1. Project manager – her best quotes: „I don’t know”, „I don’t know whom should I ask”, „We don’t have documentation for this”, „You should help me” – which means: do my work instead of me, „Nobody analysed it before you”
2. Bussiness analyst – „We will do MVP, as we cannot do proper analysis”, „You have to fix it on your side, because our system has so big technical debt that nobody wants to fix it”, „I will not tell them about this opportunity”
3. Process Analyst – „I don’t see any risks in that – let’s transfer it to production” – just before weekend, „Do you see any risks?”, „I am not a technical person” – in the response for analysing of logical expresssion (knowledge of maths required on the level of primary school), „It is too hot for thinking”, „I cannot concentrate”, „You have to do it ASAP”, „It is urgent”
4. Developer – „It is too hard to implement” (problem lied in appliance of regular expressions), „I cannot write code in front of you”, „It is problem with your software not ours”, „Our test environement is not working again – it is their fault”
5. Tester – watching tv during meeeting and completely unaware of what should be tested
6. ScrumTeam – vanishing in sprints
7. Senior Database Administrator – „I cannot set up database replication, which is used in my company for 15 years” and then vanish in unidentified circumstances, „I cannot write SQL script”, „I cannot run SQL script” and the best one: „I have lost my documentation for this project”, „I have lost credentials to production environment”, not showing on meetings or being late for 2 hours
8. Supporting team from other company – installation of software takes only 6 months, but restoring access to server – only 1 week (after 2nd reminder from manager)
9. Running away manager – „I have another meeting”, mixing technologies, doesn’t understand the problems, participating in different project at the same time, asking for help 5 minutes before meeting, asking for the work to be done after his deadline (in 1h) and his lovely: „Could you?…”
10. Another manager – „It is not my responsibility”
11. Cooworker – „I cannot read documentation and write emails, because I am dyslexic, so you should be my memory”, „Learning by doing is the best” – when he tested sth on production with spectacular crash
12. Supporting team from other city: „You should be a leader and do all of our work instead of us”, „I will not learn anything new because I have different education”, „I haven’t read your emails” (watching videos is also too difficult), „I am frustrated of this project” (by doing nothing, I guess)
13. Supporting manager from other city: „There is no problem that we don’t have backup of production database. It has been running so for 10 years and there was never a problem.”, „Ask somebody else as I don’t have time” – every time he had no knowledge about the topic (90% of the cases), „We cannot assure required hardware requirements from vendor, because MsAzure is soooo expensive”, „Our project is a pilot project in MsAzure. Everybody is looking at us.” – and then nothing more done
14. Vendor of application:

• talking via phone:”Is it a German customer?” – I wonder whether we returned in time to II World War
• question about hardware requirements in the Cloud – „We cannot provide you these information”
• obvious bug, crash of application: „Thank you for improving our product…”
• not working import: „It is 3rd party application bug, not ours”
• problems with upgrade: „It is problem with your database”, „We cannot offer you nothing to hasten of copying our data to other environment”
• problems with database: „The best would be if you send me your production database” – and it was said in country where GPRD is obligatory!
• performance issues: No answer
• High Ticket – people cannot work; aricrafts stopped flying; ships waiting in the ports: – reply in 24 hours with lovely question: „Can you send me logs of the application?”
• suggestions from the customer with improvements: „Thank you for your request…” – and pushed to queue „Will Never be done”. For 20 issues reported by me – none of them was done during last two years – I can bet that they outdid even „CD projekt” with their last production „Cyberpunk 2077”.

To all of these professionals I have only one advice – come back to school and learn how to do your job in proper manner!